The Christmas Case - gena
I was looking forward to a nice, uneventful Christmas, shared with my best
friend and partner, Blair Sandburg. This would have been the first Christmas we
got to spend together at our loft apartment. We'd been roommates for three
years but, as you probably know, being a police officer in Cascade can make for
some interesting experiences. Our first Christmas had been spent crouched
behind a garbage bin in an alley watching for a drunken hitman dressed as an
elf. Not exactly a Ozzie and Harriet holiday. Last year the kid sat at my
bedside for twenty hours in Cascade General, worried out of his mind because
I'd been sprayed in the face with a can of that fake snow stuff.
That's why I promised myself this year would be different. Simon had looked
at me as if I'd sprouted antlers and taken to calling myself Prancer when I
asked for Christmas off. Me, the guy Dr. Seuss had used as the model for the
Grinch, wanting the day off? I convinced him I was not running a fever, a pod
person, or inhaling eggnog fumes. Not only did I get Christmas day off but in
an amazing display of generosity, one I'm sure brought on by the hope that
Sandburg and I would finally stop dancing around each other and he would win
the office pool, Simon gave me Christmas Eve off as well. Now, I did spend that
first day plotting my seduction scene; candles, Elvis singing Blue Christmas,
us trimming the tree and gazing at each other with soulful longing.
We completed the foreplay with amazing speed but got distracted by the damn
tree. Ever see A Charlie Brown Christmas? Well, I kind of forgot about the tree
'til the last second so the only one left on the tree lot was pretty much a
twig. Sandburg about split a gut laughing and I have to tell you it's hard to
cast a soulful look of longing at a guy who's curled on the floor holding his
stomach and cackling like a demented chicken. Thank god I suffer in silence so
well. I did the quiet thing, you know, the looking out the window, hunched
shoulders, radiating hurt, thing. He apologized and I thought I was heading for
first base but I was ambushed by Bing Crosby. Yep, White Christmas. Who knew
Sandburg was a sucker for Rosemary Clooney. Oh, well, I admit I spent more than
a few minutes watching Vera- Ellen. After the movie it was too late to seduce
him so we went to our separate beds and that's when things took a decidedly
strange twist.
"'s it Chrs'mas already?" Blair slurred, blinking up at me with
huge blue eyes. I grinned. Damn, he looked edible at that moment.
"Technically, Chief, but looks like all we got was a lump of coal. Come
on," I tossed a faded pair of jeans and a flannel shirt on the bed.
"Climb into some clothes and let's get going." Fifteen minutes later
we were both in my vintage Ford and speeding towards the latest Cascade
homicide.
"Why can't criminals commit crimes at a reasonable hour?" Blair
grumbled. "I mean, there should be some kind of law....."
"We'd only have to arrest them for breaking that one, too," I
pointed out. He whined a bit more, ranting at Simon for dragging us out when we
were suppose to be off. I filled him in as we drove, "I know, but everyone
else is working a major Play Station 2 smuggling ring, Chief. Beside's this
looks like an open and shut case. The officer on the scene reported an old
lady, face down in the snow. I'm sure she just wandered off and we'll be home
before you can say It's A Wonderful Life." I gotta learn not to make those
sweeping statements. Irony, it's so ironic.
We arrived at an old farm house on the outskirts of Cascade. Two black and
whites were parked there with lights flashing. I showed them my badge and the
next thing I knew Sandburg and I were being led to the back of the house.
There, on a path which wound through the woods, lay the huddled form of a
silver/blue-haired woman in her mid-seventies. Blair stayed close behind me,
and I swept the area for any evidence I could find. "Do you see
that?" He hates it when I say that or any variation of it, I'm a sentinel
- I can tell. Sandburg, with a long suffering sigh, said, no he didn't see
anything. "There are several crescent shaped marks here," I pointed
towards the victim's upper body, around her head and leading off into the
trees. They looked vaguely familiar. One deep indention, right in the middle of
her forehead, seemed to be the cause of death. "There's something else,
Chief. Help me roll her over." Blair got real squiggied by that request
but did as I asked.
"What?" he asked as I focused on the woman's back. I stiffened,
and no, not because the kid had his hand on my thigh, but because I recognized
the parallel, rust colored marks on her shoulders.
"Let's talk to the family," I said. Sandburg stared at me for a
second, then nodded. I could see he was worried. I let him, I needed the
sympathy points. Hey, I'll take what I can get, okay?
So we made our way back to the house. "The victim's grandson,"
Officer Peters said, pointing to a distraught looking man of about thirty.
"He reported the crime."
"What can you tell us?" I asked the grandson.
"Oh, it's terrible," he wailed, "just terrible! Last night we
were having a big party and grandma forgot her medication." He sobbed a
bit and Blair handed him a handkerchief - mine by the looks of the big JJE in
the corner. I glared at my laundry stealing pal but he ignored me. "She
staggered off into the snow and well....." He couldn't go on. We left him
blowing his nose, not a sound a sentinel should be subjected to, and went to
interview the rest of the clan. The husband was in the living room, drinking
beer and watching the 5A.M. Pre-Pre-Pre Game show. Damn, I could be cuddled up
with my anthro- pup watching commentators commentate but no, I have to
investigate a crime. I swallowed my resentment and snapped off the fucking TV
set. "Where were you last night?"
The husband provided a creditable alibi, he'd been drinking beer and
watching the Day Before the Big Game warm-up. The rest of the family, eerily
dressed in black and sitting around a table laden with roast goose and fig
pudding, proved to be just as innocent. "What about her gifts?" I
watched their faces, wondering if any relatives had had their eye on the old
lady's goodies, but the expressions of disgust told me she would have been
getting a Chia Pet and a brooch in the shape of a dragonfly. Greed was not the
motive.
I left them there and searched the area around the house once more. Sandburg
tagged along, nodding as I pointed out the evidence and told him my suspicions.
It was with heavy hearts we trudged back to the family and gathered them
together. Blue and silver candles danced on the boughs of a beautiful Christmas
tree. I briefly considered booking it as evidence but figured if it went
missing from the lock-up I'd be in trouble. Anyway, I squared my shoulders and
prepared to give them the bad news. "I have some bad news," they
gasped. Maybe I should break it to them gently? Nah, sooner I'm done here, the
sooner I get to ravish Sandburg's delicious body - as soon as I work up the
nerve to tell him how I feel.
Beside me, Blair touched my arm and I dragged my thoughts away from
ravishing and back to the business at hand. "My partner and I, after a
through investigation have solved the crime." They all looked expectantly
at Sandburg and me, standing there looking all knowledgeable. "Your
Grandma got run over by a reindeer walking home from your house Christmas
Eve."
"No!"
"What a load a....."
"There's no such thing as......"
I held up my hand for silence, achieving it only after a resounding blast from
my trusty but slippery pistol. "I'm sorry, but the evidence never lies. If
you watched CSI you would know that." They muttered a bit among
themselves, reluctant to believe in something so far-fetched. "You can say
there's no such thing as Santa," I pointed out, "but as for me and
Sandburg - we believe."
We called animal control and told them to look out for any reindeer with
bloody hooves and headed back home. It was 7A.M. by the time we got back to the
loft and neither one of us was in a holiday mood. "How could Santa do
that?" Blair asked.
I hated to see him hurting like that. He loved Christmas and now it would
never be the same. "Accidents happen, Chief," I said gently.
"Office party gets out of hand, too much eggnog, a loaded sleigh, flying
reindeer. It's an accident waiting to happen. I'm sure he'll turn himself in
when he realizes what happened." This seemed to soothe the kid. "here
open my present to you," I said. He ripped into the huge box like a
pitbull going after a schoolbus. I could see the delight in his eyes and knew
I'd chosen the perfect gift.
"Oh, Jim, man," he laughed, "this is great!" It should
be, it cost me a fortune. But, hey, the kid needed a new jacket, and a silk
scarf. And I thought it would be nice if I got him a computer. And the entire
collection of Obscure But Interesting text books had been on sale. I just threw
in the rare tribal jewelry as an impulse buy and hey, he needed new tires for
his car so I couldn't resist. Okay, the photo of us at Simon's birthday, with
me gazing at him with soulful longing, fit the frame I bought at Home Depot.
"Do you like it?" I indicated the pile of presents and Blair
grinned. Unfortunately it was the best friend grin he always wore. I sought
distraction in the gift he'd gotten me. There was no gift. The tree was bare. I
hide my hurt with a manly sniffle.
"Uh, Jim," Blair's voice brought me out of a flashback on my
unhappy childhood. "I got you this." My buddy, my guide, the man I
thought I knew, dropped his pants and there tied securely, but not too tightly,
on his penis, was a big green bow. "I hope you like it."
It was a very big present.
It fit, too.
So, except for trauma of Santa and his killer reindeer, we had a Holly,
Jolly Christmas but not a Silent Night.
The End.
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Author's Acknowledgements: This is for Patt, who started me in the holiday
mood.